when my sister + i had decided to take a short vacation to las vegas.
just her, i + some much needed bonding time.
it was a blast.
we had a blast.
we saw some shows
did some dance dares
played a guitar for the passerby's
swam our hearts out
dined like champions
+ shopped till we dropped
i had a blast
one thing i've always cherished about my family is our closeness.
we are a crazy family + we don't always get along (surprise)
but we love each other, we do.
my sisters + i grew up close.
we we're each others best friends
+ we we're always each others confidants
that one weekend 15 months ago, amanda + i talked
about our futures
our hopes
our dreams
our lives
it was then i had told her that blake + i were seriously trying for a baby!
it was then i thought i was pregnant.
but it was mixed emotions
we wanted a baby sooo badly.
3 pregnancy tests before that trip
3 pregnancy tests (-)
3 breakdowns with blake telling me, 'shhh, it will happen'
there were many times on that trip when i confided in my sister
+ many times on that trip when she told me it would happen
the weekend ended + we drove home
she dropped me off + we cried as we said our goodbyes
i love my sister
that night i wasn't feeling to hot.
i was nauseous
i had a headache
i didn't want to eat
i was beyond exhausted
.... could i be pregnant?
we drove to the store and purchased another lot of pregnancy tests
we came home + i did my thing + i waited the 3 minutes
+ the stick came back positive!
i could here blake pacing on the other side of the door
so i thought i would put him out of his misery + slid it under the door
i washed my hands + saw the door crack open.
with tears welling up in his eyes
+ tears welling up in mine
we embraced in one of the best hugs of our time together
we were going to be parents.
the following weeks were filled with an overload of emotions
excitement
nervousness
unsurity
love
fear
etc...
but we kicked into gear.
we got the crib, the clothes, the soaps + towels, the blankets, the diapers, the wipes, the creams, the toys, + the everything else.
we went to the appointments, the doctors, the hospital, + everywhere else we needed to be.
together we got it all done + together we passed the nine months + together we had our bouncy boy.
now here we are, i am, more than a year from that weekend + i am, well, content.
in the perfect state of peaceful happiness.
life isn't to hard, but hard enough.
i know that being sawyers momma is what i was put here to do.
but being a momma is so much more than i ever thought it would be.
i love him so much that at times it hurts.
many times throughout the day i look at him + against my will, start sobbing.
many times throughout the day my mind starts to run at mach 80 with thoughts of 'what ifs?' + 'why hasn'ts?' + 'why, what, why?'
many times throughout the day i worry that sawyer may be a bit behind.
many times throughout the day i reassure myself that sawyer is right where he needs to be.
many times throughout the day i run away to the bathroom and take a quick breath to recharge my batteries.
many times throughout the day i laugh because sawyer +/or blake do something delightful.
many times throughout the day i feel i couldn't love my husband any more.
many times throughout the day i'm grateful for blake, for his help, his wisdom, + his strength.
many times throughout the day i love being momma
many times throughout the day i am exhausted
+ many times throughout the day i just sit back holding my little boy + recognize my life for what it is, purely beautiful.
like many others around me
my life can be crazy
my life can be messy
my life can be surprisingly calm
+ my life can be just right
it's just a matter of thinking, "this is my life today + tomorrow will be even better"
Xoxo: This little Momma
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