As I sit here in bed at 4:11 in the morning, blurry eyes and foggy brain I can't help but look back on the last few months with a serious sense of gratitude... And helplessness.
I've never been the kind to go out of my way to have a relationship with my Savior. I always knew that he was "there" but never felt like I truly needed him.
Until now.
Now as I lay here wearing the same clothes I have for the past three days, covered in Navy's food and Sawyers throw up and what I believe is chocolate from yesterday's cake making session, (or is that poop?) I realize, I truly need my Savior, my Lord.
I find myself sending up little prayers all throughout the day, every.day.
"Thank you that Sawyer still has his happy spirit about him even though he was up all night tossing his cookies."
"Please, take these body aches away JUST for while I make this cake, whose deadline is far to close"
"Thank you, for taking away those aches"
"Thank you, for helping Navy take an extra 30 minutes in her nap so I could read this book that Sawyers been handing me all day"
"How's my Mom doing?"
"Please, help me not stress about the load of laundry I forgot to take out of the wash that now stinks and needs to be re-washed"
"How's Blake doing at work?"
"Thank you for calming waters when I feel like an inadequate Mom, because you know I'm doing things right."
Etc. etc.
I know for a fact I've been sending up at LEAST a hundred prayers a day, and you know what... It's making a difference.
I can see it make a difference in not only my life but in my children's lives as well. Because not only do I need him daily, but they do too.
And they NEED me to NEED him.
Tonight I couldn't help but be thankful for those calming words that I hear in the back of my mind that tell me I'm doing alright. Because, I know I'm not the worlds "best" Mom, I'm not even the worlds most "decent" mom. My entire house has NEVER been completely clean for a day, my dinners are faaaarrr from sub par, my looks are well... Let's just say homely, for lack of a better word, most days, my kids spend most days naked, and bills get paid rrriiigghhtt before deadlines, etc. But I know I'm just enough. I have just enough of the right stuff to keep my kids alive to see another day. I have just enough of the right stuff to show them what is right and what is wrong. I have just enough of the right stuff to love my family unconditionally. And, I have just enough of the right stuff to be thankful for all the "just enoughs" about me. And without those calming words my "just enoughs" would feel more like, "not enoughs".
Tonight, I am so grateful. I'm grateful that I am now starting to figure out what it's like to have that constant companion and not years down the road.
I'm grateful to always have that "friend" that doesn't mind listening to my ramblings of my days, my wants and needs for my family and myself.
I'm grateful to start working on this relationship to show my Savior how truly thankful I am for the beautiful blessings in my life and work to deserve it! My handsome man, my healthy kids, my amazing family, and a cozy home.
I'm grateful to just have him, because sometimes, in the middle of the night, when my newborn looks into my eyes and gives me the most heartfelt smile or my little toddler wakes up and crawls into bed with me for that late night snuggle lovin' or my husband wakes up just to remove the mounds of pillows I was too tired to move and just crashed on top of, i know my Lord is the reason why my life feels just so... Right.
So now at 4 in the morning while my heart is full of gratitude, I'm grateful for that sense of helplessness that has helped me lean on my Savior more times than once on a daily basis, because without him, I am truly nothing and those "just enoughs" would be more like "not enoughs".
